Nonsense by Lugnutz

Flash Fiction by Lugnutz

The setting is the garage, where else? Jake and Jeremy are throwing ideas around so they can get the car ready for the next season. They are sitting looking at the car pondering what the next move will be. Jake opens his laptop, pushes a few buttons then things go into the Twilight zone.
Read on…

“What do you think of this?” Jake asked Jeremy, pointing at the screen.

“I have no idea. What is it?”

“It's a new muffler bearing for the Camaro. It's supposed to make it go faster.”

“It's the wrong size. It won't flow worth a damn down there”

“What makes you say that? I'll put next to the Holley shifter. If anything, it will look cool”

“I'll get helium for the car tires then, it will make the car lighter and faster than your muffler bearing would.”

“Use hydrogen if you want to have a blast. I should put that in the gas tank. You could be able to see the flames for miles. “

“And ruin the $9.99 roll on paint special? I don't think so. If you want a thrill, put on a horse harness and pull the car around.”

“Pulling horses run in pairs, where is your harness?”

“Hanging on the whachamacallit. You know where, by the doohickie.”

“Give me a break. That is no whachamacallit, it's a thingamajig.”

“My bad. Did you strip the couch for that shirt you're wearing or was it old drapes?”

“And here I thought I had fashion sense, it's called starting a trend. I can get one made for you if you want one so bad.”

“Do that, I'll need something to mop up the oil your muffler bearing is going to leak.”

“It's better than the cross drilled brake hoses I was looking at. Those would cause too much drag and slow the car down.”

“There is a lot of room, we could have a sticker party. Stickers add horsepower.”

“Better look the part then, I'll get a neon under body kit.”

“Need a bigger wing out back, more down force.”

“Don't you know anything? That only works on Hondas.”

“No problem. I can peel the ‘Type R’ badge off the fridge and glue it on the window.”

“You would be better off getting Doc Brown to put a flux capacitor on. You would be done before you start.”

“Nah, too much money. I still think muffler bearings are the ticket.”

“One problem. You need mufflers to run bearings or has that fact escaped you? A chrome tailpipe tip would look cool though.”

“No problem, I'll get super performance mufflers so I won't need bearings. No oil leaks either.”

“That would fit nicely with that loose nut behind the wheel, they make a tool for that you know.”

“It would be better than your failed experiment of using piston return springs. How many springs did you stretch out on that venture?”

“More than I can count, At least three. Maybe fast acting blinker fluid would have fixed it. I read online that 60% of the time, it works every time.”

“I would put money on 78% of those people were talking out of their ass. Rectal cranial inversion syndrome anyone?”

“Is that why your breath smells like that then? Want a Tic-Tac?”

“No, I'll settle for litter box crunchies.  Makes the last pizza you got seem like fine dining.”

“You weren't running for the hills last time I kissed you so it wasn't that bad.”

“Let’s just get the car out and see how fast the cops show up. Maybe they can beat their last call.”

“That means I need to get bail money ready. You better loose the thong if they haul you off.”

“If I do that in the driveway, I won't need to fire up the car to get the police to come. The old biddie next door needs a thrill and me bareass in the drive won't cut it. There needs to be massive amounts of noise.”

“Let’s just go inside, order a pizza, put a movie in and curl up on the couch”

“Race ya!”


I would say ‘The End’ but this is never ending.
Thanks for reading this, now you know you're not so stupid after all. Darn near a genius.

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This story and image is Copyright © 2014 by Lugnutz. They cannot be reproduced without express written consent. Codey’s World web site has written permission to publish this story. No other rights are granted.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story may contain occasional references to characters who are or may be gay. If it were a movie, it would be rated PG (in a more enlightened time it would be rated G). If reading this type of material is illegal where you live, or if you are too young to read this type of material based on the laws where you live, or if your parents don’t want you to read this type of material, or if you find this type of material morally or otherwise objectionable, or if you don’t want to be here, close your browser now. The author neither condones nor advocates the violation of any laws. If you want to be here, but aren’t supposed to be here, be careful and don’t get caught!