The triumph of their excitement had yielded a satisfaction only known by those who have no guilt in enjoying pleasures of the body.
The joy of their lovemaking had been undeniable in its fulfilment.
Morning light awakened him. He looked at his friend’s eyelids, closed in sleep, dreaming, he hoped, of him. Yet he believed it was useless. He could not ignore how he felt or what he wanted.
He slipped into his clothes while his eyes remained locked on the slumbering body in the bed. Sheets were never so sensual until twisted around a body that was loved.
Reluctantly, he whispered farewell to his sleeping companion.
He leant down and kissed the supple muscles now stretched out in the bed of their passion. His lover uncurled his limbs, arched his back and opened his eyes with the eagerness of expectation, until he saw his beloved was dressed.
“Stay with me.” It was a request rather than a command.
“Why can’t you?” It was a simple question, asked with gentle concern.
“Because if I stay, I will never leave.”
“So? Would that be so terrible?”
“It would be wrong.”
“Was what we did so wrong? Is that what you think?” The concern deepened.
“No, I don’t mean that. It was just that I cannot stand being so happy while I am deprived of what I want.”
“And what is it you want?” He felt a faint despair arising within him.
“I want what you cannot give me.”
“Do you mean a family, a wife, kids, house or something worse?”
“Worse, I’m afraid. I need…I want to not love you.”
“Oh!” His expression changed as he pulled at the sheet. The corners of his mouth showed his disappointment. Happiness left his mind and it showed in his face, but the irises of his eyes were still open wide. His gaze still carried his adoration to his beloved’s eyes, searching for some reflection of what he felt.
All he saw was thought. All he heard were the excuses that the thought provided.
If he said nothing to stop him, he would leave. All his own thoughts sounded pathetic in his mind.
Then he realised the object of his adoration was teetering on the brink of tears, just as he was.
Eyes in danger of becoming empty, first fill with tears.
He knew he had one chance, one sliver of momentary existence to change the future of happiness.
So he put his trust in what he saw in the eyes of his love and took the chance.
“All that you want is not what I have to give you. All that I am is all that I can give.
If it is not enough forever, then I can understand that you do not want to love me, or for me to love you.”
“Are you saying you want to love me?”
“Yes, but you want other things. You do not want to love me.”
Their thoughts danced in each other’s eyes, beholding visions of love and then releasing them.
“I can’t help loving you. We have the same problem.”
“No, we don’t. You are everything I love. You want to not love me, but I love you.”
“You never said that before.”
“Well it is true, I say it now. I love you.”
They didn’t dare blink and all they saw was innocent love in each other’s eyes.
“I have always loved you. What I wanted was to hear you say you loved me too.” He sat down on the edge of the bed.
“Then you don’t want to not love me?”
“I want to not leave you.”
“If I stay, it will be forever.”
“That, and to love you, is all I ever wanted.”
Eyes fill with tears when happiness makes them overflow.